Do you know what I’ve discovered? In quite a few instances and among people who should know better, we Americans are getting to a place in our culture where we’re demonstrating that we don’t have the sense we were born with. On any given day, I go from one news stream to another with a mortified expression that says: “Are you shittin’ me; is anybody sane paying attention to what is going on around here?”
In the meantime, I’ve been wondering whether I should get a part-time job to help build up my “mad money” fund, and after mulling over some weird jobs like calf catcher, watermelon thrower, and Chuck E. Cheese dresser upper, it dawned on me: become a paid advice columnist. Why not? Maybe I can help one of the jokers who is screwing up so badly. It certainly can’t hurt. So I’m trying out my first column online (“Big Mama Speaks”), and everyone who writes to me for my advice ($9.99 per question) will get a relevant picture to hang in their office or home, or to imprint on a T-shirt, as an incentive to do the right thing.
Quotes by Mitt/Google Image
”I’m not concerned about the very poor.”
“Corporations are people, my friend.”
“I like being able to fire people.”
LAS VEGAS — Real estate mogul Donald Trump endorsed Mitt Romney for president on Thursday in a joint appearance — both theatrical and awkward — at a hotel Trump named after himself.—Philip Rucker, David A. Fahrenthold, and Amy Gardner (The Washington Post)
Dear Big Mama:
I’m writing to see if you can help get me out of the mess I’ve created for myself with the 46.2 million poor people in this country. I will readily admit that my words got all twisted around by my silver-tongued cluelessness, and now everybody’s got their knickers in a wad. Apparently, 11 million of those poor people are African-American (who knew?), and I thought since you are black and used to be poor, maybe you could help me untangle the mess I’ve gotten myself into.—Regards, “Willard”
Oh, baby, you in more of a tangled mess than you can ever imagine. I’m so glad you came to Big Mama for advice, ‘cause I got just the cure for you. But first I need you to do something for me, Honey. You need to repent about stashing all that money in the Cayman Islands, Switzerland, and those other off-shore accounts to avoid paying taxes. It just don’t look right, Suga’, for you to be payin’ only 14% in taxes when Big Mama had to pay 18% this year. I’m doing my part. You need to contribute your fair share and lead by example if you want to be our next president. Secondly, why the hell did you let The Donald get anywhere within a 1,000 mile radius of you and your beautiful wife? Are you meshugenah? That’s the creepy gambling mogul whose raison d’etre is to self-promote and tell people: “You’re fired!” (Is that why you went to “kiss The Donald’s ring” in Las Vegas because you two both like firing people?) This slime-ball is also a “Birther,” and I know you ain’t trying to get Big Mama’s advice if you’re down with that stupid shit—‘cause I don’t play that. And poor, poor Ann—she looked as if she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her right then and there having to kowtow to that egomaniacal sleaze ball.
Big Mama’s advice: You need to show some empathy to the hurting peeps, my man, and you can’t show what you don’t have. You’re too much of a “Richie Rich.”
Richie Rich (Harvey Comics)/Wikipedia
My advice is to get thee to a ghetto (we have plenty—any one of them will do), and for the rest of your campaign try to live with your wife and children on the 2011 poverty level of $22,350. That ought to straighten out your heart and your words. In the meantime, I’d like to give you this picture to paint on the side of your campaign bus so that people far and wide can see you’ve become aware of your uncanny ability to entangle yourself in insensitive verbal messes, but that you’re working on setting yourself free. Oh, and don’t sing, Suga’.
There’s something about Gingrich that acts as a repellant to women, like the electoral opposite of Axe body spray. As the Associated Press put it in analyzing the results of the Florida primary, “Some of the data from Tuesday’s exit poll suggested women’s votes were influenced more by a personal distaste for Gingrich than by liking Romney.”—Libby Copeland (Slate)
What women see when they look at Newt
Fat Mama: Not that I need your advice or anything, but I thought I could get you to contribute as an unpaid “historian” to my campaign. What do women dislike about me? Why aren’t they supporting me as a candidate to become president? I’ve had plenty of experience with women, but apparently they are not flocking to me as voters like they did as lovers. I can’t imagine what it could be? Personally, I don’t think you’re smart enough to advise me on this issue, but my campaign managers thought it might be a good idea to drop you a line and get your perspective as an African-American “woman-on-the-street” kind of thing, since I’m not getting any votes from the sistas—period. Understand that I know all there is to know about this subject and all subjects, but I am somewhat open to a little input if it gives me a bump in the polls with women. If you tell anyone I sought your advice I’ll call you a consummate liar.—Newt (President Gingrich to you)
Where do I begin—where do I begin? White women can’t abide you because they know a washed up blob of a “player” when they see one. Black women wouldn’t go near your ass because we can smell a racist a mile away. Everybody else sees you as one of the most arrogant SOBs that has ever graced the political stage. The author, Stephen D. Foster, Jr., has a seemingly endless list of some of your most egregious quotes, and I can see why even your own political party has become hysterical in sounding the alarm against you.
- “She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife.” ~Newt Gingrich, talking about his first wife after divorcing her.
- “It doesn’t matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.” ~Newt Gingrich, saying we should do as he says, regardless of what he actually does.
- “I have enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. And I’m doing it. I am now a famous person. I represent real power.” ~Newt Gingrich, blowing his own horn.
- “I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, and loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words.” ~Newt Gingrich, advocating for hateful rhetoric and smearing opponents with lies.
Big Mama’s advice: Newt—just stop talking. No good can come of it—ever. You don’t just have a problem with sane-thinking women; you have a problem with decent human beings everywhere. I know you thought winning South Carolina meant you were “all that,” but South Carolinians are crazy and they are not representative of the norm—Praise God! You see, here’s the problem. You look in the mirror and see Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington while any sane man or woman sees you as Brain in Pinky and the Brain.
Pinky and the Brain/Warner Bros.||Google image
Newt, you’re a hot mess, boy. I don’t say this often to people, but you need to repent, child. Get thee to a monastery that has a vow of silence, and don’t come out until you’re no longer under the illusion that you should be “king of the world.” I suggest you download the enclosed print and press it onto a hairshirt to take with you to the monastery. It’s a reminder that in your mind you think you can, but you really can’t.
BISHOP EDDIE LONG
Megachurch leader Eddie Long is making waves once again after a video being circulated on the Web shows him being crowned “king” in an elaborate ceremony, the Associated Press reports. Other religious leaders have called the video “repulsive” and “inappropriate.” Melissa Bell (Blog Post) The Washington Post
Christianity’s “new king”—Eddie Long/Google Image
Dearest Big Mama:
As you may have heard, I was wrapped in a genuine “Holocaust Torah” (it may still have the dust of Auschwitz and Birkenau on it!) and crowned a king by a very famous Messianic preacher recently, and I can’t tell you how much better I feel about life. All the lies of the haters have fallen at my feet, and I’ve trampled them into the dust. Four of my elders lifted me up in the air on my new throne and paraded me before my congregation just like the kings of old while the congregation joyously applauded my coronation. I can still hear Rabbi Ralph Messer shouting: “He is a king. God’s blessed him. He’s a humble man, but in him is kingship, royalty.” I feel on top of the world. Thank you Jeeesus! I am livin’ large, and as the song says, “I’m feelin’ good.” I’m writing to you because I hear you’re quite the prayer warrior, and I need just a “little bit of help” getting my wife back and the congregation returned to its full attendance of 25,000. I need their money. God has a magnificent plan for me, and the devil is not going to rob me of my destiny now that I’m a king. Glory be to God!
Dear Bishop Pastor King Eddie:
Repeat after me—“I have been accused of the following sins: sexual misconduct with four students from my academy, an affair with Centino Kemp who has my name tattooed on his wrist with the words, ‘Never a Mistake, Always a Lesson.’ I settled out of court for an undisclosed sum to all five accusers. As a preacher of the ‘prosperity doctrine,’ I admit I have been living an ostentatious lifestyle and ignoring my WWJD bracelet, because I own a $350,000 Bentley, a $1.4 million house, a private jet, and on any given Sunday my wrists and fingers drip with bodacious diamonds and gold. My first wife left me years ago after accusations against me that she was the victim of ‘cruel treatment’ and a ‘violent and vicious temper.’ My second wife, the First Lady Vanessa, is divorcing me because she says our marriage is ‘irretrievably broken’ and there is ‘no hope of reconciliation.’ I am a blatant homophobe and have engaged in hypocritical anti-gay rhetoric. I have yet to publicly repent for any of these actions that fly in the face of the teachings of Jesus, whom I say I represent. And now I have pissed off every Jew in every corner of the world and scandalized every Christian who is worth their salt.”
Big Mama’s advice: OH MY GOD! What were you thinking? Eddie, every black person in the world intuitively knows that “God don’t like ugly,” and one doesn’t EVER trivialize the Holocaust. Your ass is grass, mofo. I’d suggest you download this print and hang it in your church office in the hope that you would ask the world’s forgiveness (especially the Jews) for perpetrating a false representation of Judaism and Christianity, but I doubt you’d do that. You’d have to acquire some common sense at the very least and a soul at the very best.
I am discovering that in the end, we can’t control the actions of fools. They don’t really ask our advice, and they wouldn’t take it if we gave it to them wrapped up in $100 bills. And YET most of them are trying to tell us how to live our lives even though deep down inside they can barely tolerate us, and so often they are living a lie! (You can tell whether people—from politicians to preachers—genuinely care about your welfare or whether they are just “fronting.”) I’ve been there—done that—and I don’t allow them any influence in my life anymore!
I almost lost the brilliance of who I was meant to be because I marched to the beat of a drummer that had nothing to do with the God who made me or his instructions about how I should live. So I’ve sent pink slips to ersatz friends who didn’t have my back when I needed them and responded with nonchalance at best and judgment at the very worst. I’ve walked out of churches and organizations that were a waste of my time because they were rife with intolerance and manipulation and staying in their midst would have meant the destruction of my soul, my mind, and my ability to love those who were different than I. Dancing to the beat of their goose-stepping drums would have meant that I landed on the wrong side of history on so many issues near and dear to my heart. I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life. I’m so glad I woke up.
So for the rest of my remaining days—be they one year or thirty, “I’m movin’ on down the road,” dancing to the beat of my own drummer and wearing my two-sided t-shirt that proclaims to the world: “I’m gonna do me, baby!”
Front of Big Mama’s T-shirt
Back of Big Mama’s T-shirt
“Big Mama Speaks” column to be continued. . .
Thanks pinterest.com (and Baby-girl) for curing my writer’s block this week
All photos from pinterest.com except where otherwise noted
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