RSS

Home Grown Terrorists

07 Jan

(Please excuse my missed holiday blog reentry date on 1/5/12 as was previously promised, but I was taken out by a home grown terrorist—thus the subject of this post!)

Do you know what I discovered over the holidays?  Pull together a bunch of 3 – 6 year olds and you could form your own terrorist cell that could wipe out anyone, any town, any country, or any nation at your command because they stealthily engage in CBW:  Chemical Biological Warfare.  Since this is information that is so volatile, I feel it should be conveyed immediately. It works on a Trojan horse system (you only need one carrier depending on the square footage).  Send them in as “cute ambassadors” masquerading as little grandchildren or siblings, cousins or nieces and nephews with just a stuffy nose with a gentle sneeze or two, and something equivalent to the bubonic plague ensues on all those with a compromised immune system due to overwork, lack of sleep, auto-immune diseases, just being old, or people who don’t eat meat (vegetarians—you don’t stand a chance).  

I’m writing this blog while lying on the floor with a bottle of Gatorade intravenously dripping into my vein after having had my ass kicked by a 3-year-old terrorist who, having spent Christmas with me, simply kissed me on the cheek with a sweet smile, patted me on the back, and then vanished on the Amtrak line headed north.

I’m down for the count with a fever, chills, sinus infection, no feeling in my legs, no ability to stand up for more than five seconds at a time, no appetite (which means you know I’m dying) and no ability to swallow or think.  I never saw it coming.  Said three-year-old entered my home with no other accomplices except his handler.  The “terrorist’s” nose was stuffy and he gently sneezed once or twice (we all thought it was an allergy to the live Christmas tree), but that was it.  He was so sweet and entertaining.  How on Earth could he have been lethal?  We had a very pleasant time with him with lots of activities and games, and he was a champ.  The only time I suspected he was a “little off” was when he would stop and “belt” out a perfectly-pitched-full-throated-operatic-Maria-Callas-“A”-note as if sounding a secret alarm to someone, but since that was always done with a smile, we just thought it was hysterical and quirky—nothing more.  I didn’t start feeling a little under the weather until the funky “Madagascar Ice Show” we attended on his behalf, but it wasn’t enough to draw my attention.

Ice Show (notice “said terrorist” in bottom right with calculated look of destruction)

Blogger is second from left at top and sinking from weakness in knees and slight dizziness (hoping picture taking will end soon before I collapse)—first sign of CBW attack taking effect

Disclaimer:  Sister of blogger top left says to let my readers know—“I AM NOT FAT!  One of baby terrorist’s tricks is to make ice parkas puff up to make one appear three times larger than life!”

******

I read an article some years ago in the Smithsonian magazine written by Natalie Angier about Bonnie Bassler. Dr. Bassler studies microbial communicators at Princeton, and she seems to be a person who has great insight into body marauders and squatters.  According to Ms. Angier, Dr. Bassler contends that bacteria can talk, are multilingual, have their own dialects, and can send signals to one another — rallying each other to wage warfare. One of Dr. Bassler’s experiments is to block the little buggers from locating their relatives and ganging up on their human hosts. She contends that while some may be harmless when they are alone, if they can locate their peeps and communicate with them, determining that they have a sizeable quorum, they will engage in a malicious war agenda against the human body. The journalist underscored that their attacks can range anywhere from instigating plaque wars against our teeth or destroying half of Europe in the form of the bubonic plague.

I am convinced that 3 to 6 year olds are in contact with the bacterial buggers disovered by Ms. Bassler, and consequently they are capable of taking over the world by letting the bacteria know they’ve infected a host.  But a one-off incident does not a theory make.  I did some research and got notification from other friends who were down for the count after visiting their grandchildren and little nieces and nephews during the holiday season, and they provided conclusive evidence that when they returned home they were unable to function or stand, had come down with the strep throat from Hell, the flu from sub-Hell, the sinus infection from Satan’s den, fever and chills from the Devil’s demons, diarrhea from the most infested swamp on Earth, and had become highly contagious enough to wipe out a Metropolis.  Most of the sickies (including me) ended up in Urgent Care Centers in lines with hundreds of other miserable souls–or so it seemed.

So here’s my proposal to the Pentagon and other people who want to work mayhem on the Earth.  Need more weapons with lower overhead? I’ve got a new weapons system for you—all you need to run this program is tender-loving-care and a strong immune system!

HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED

  • Operatives should be a herd of 3 -6 year olds.
  • All operatives must have handlers who are mommies, nannies, and nursery school or grandmother commandos (I’m told that these handlers eventually become immune or can be shored up with large doses of vitamin c as long as they are not above 70 or so).
  • Send these urchins out in groups of ones, twos, and threes to people you absolutely hate and want to take out—the more adorable the CBW carriers the better the CBW strike
  • Best to come in undercover (Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, a birthday, family reunion) so that activity is not suspect.
    • Have operative plant biological infestation with one or two kisses and a delicious hug on the target and the work will be done (I’ve been told by one of my peeps that 14 three-year-olds in a nursery school can return home after a week at play and take out a village in a weekend).
    • Send in the drones (whomever you’ve chosen to “kick ass” and clean up) five days later while your enemies are all writhing on the floor and trying to suck chicken soup through a straw to survive.
    • Once the bacteria is deposited—remove your operative and handler immediately and return to home base so that no one comes under suspicion.

Our commando came to us with sparkling eyes, a beautiful smile, and a charming disposition.  Everything about him was delightful.  He laughed on cue, posed on “say cheese,” and danced like a baby Michael Jackson.  My operative would stop in mid-stream and his butt would wiggle to the inner perfect syncopation of MJ’s “Thriller” as if he had been programmed with it from birth.

CBW surveying usNotice sneaky surveillance look when he thought I wasn’t aware

No matter where you took him he stole the show and was perfectly behaved.  He was inquisitive and amazingly smart.  If you said:  “Baby:  please stop and pretend to smell the Christmas flowers,” he’d not only smell them but he’d pretend to listen to them as if they were talking to him and sending him coded messages. (Now I think that is exactly what they were doing!)

He seemed so innocent when he collapsed from sheer exhaustion after opening the thousands of presents with his name on them on Christmas Day.  Who knew that he was simply resting because his CBW had been transferred to me?

I haven’t been able to drive or walk up and down stairs since the three-year-old operative and his mother departed.   When I called his mother about the home grown terrorist, she said she couldn’t talk because he had barricaded her in the kitchen upon their return with an intricate twine contraption, was checking in with headquarters, and was setting up strategy for his next terrorist campaign.

Notice 2-panty head-gear that seems to be de reiguér with convoluted Sippy cup in hand

******

I am discovering that I don’t know about anybody else’s little terrorist, but my CBW visitor was pretty darn adorable and irresistible, so I’m going to have to figure out a way to reengage with him but with a preplanned infusion of Emergen-C© a month before he arrives.  In the meantime, I need to ring the servant’s bell for WW (my husband) to bring me some more chicken soup, have him click “publish” on this post, and take nap number “three” today while WW responds to my blog comments.  See you on Thursday (I hope)—our regularly scheduled blog time.   And in the meantime:  Be afraid – be very afraid!

The Author (still alive after the holidays, thank God!)

Text and photos by Eleanor and John Tomczyk © 2011

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
28 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

28 responses to “Home Grown Terrorists

  1. amanda

    January 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Glad to see that you enjoyed the holidays! What a lucky little boy to have such an amazing family! 🙂 Feel better soon.

     
    • etomczyk

      January 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

      Thanks Amanda. It was better than expected and he is a doll! Blessings!

       
  2. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer

    January 7, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Aha; so we’re not the ONLY ones. I have never been as sick as I was from the cold/flu/whatever it was that I caught from grandchildren.

    My theory is that it won’t work with any old three to six year old. There’s something in the gene connection that makes grandmas twice as vulnerable.

    He is absolutely adorable. Feel well band welcome back.

    Ronnie

     
    • etomczyk

      January 7, 2012 at 6:29 pm

      Hi Ronnie. You too? What was that? This sickness was unbelievable. You should have seen the lines at the Urgent Care! My friends were AWOL for a week from work due to being flattened by it. I also think you’re right that it is a certain hardy gene connection, expecially born to our children that gave us a hard time the first time around. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Take care. ET

       
  3. Life in the Boomer Lane

    January 7, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Wonderful! Exactly as the holiday should be, including the festive panty head gear!

     
    • etomczyk

      January 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm

      That was his idea. His mother is concerned. . .Happy New Year to you and yours Renee. Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it. ET

       
  4. Connie

    January 7, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    You are right! Marty came down with a cold and my nose hasn’t stopped running. And they say they love us…..umph!

     
    • etomczyk

      January 7, 2012 at 6:31 pm

      Hi Connie. Tell Marty that he is now at the age he should be behaving himself 🙂 Happy New Year to you both. ET

       
  5. Dawn

    January 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Great descriptions and pictures! All these years I have been telling you about this. I know you believed this from afar but now it’s up close and personal. tee-hee. (I have 11 opportunities)

     
    • etomczyk

      January 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm

      No, no, no, no, no! I am even more afraid than before. If I had 11, I would faint dead away (on the spot) because they grow up and growing up is the really, really hard part. Happy New Year! Blessings and joy!

       
  6. Kimberly

    January 7, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Laughing out loud! The “agent” is looking forward to many more fun times at Mema and Granddad’s house! Muah!

     
    • etomczyk

      January 8, 2012 at 11:01 am

      As I said before: Be afraid, be very afraid. 🙂

       
  7. Mal

    January 8, 2012 at 1:40 am

    Aww, Eleanor, you’re little grandson is a cutie little munchkins! *mwah*
    This proves he really and truly adores you and he’s willing to share! 😉
    Happy New Year!

     
    • etomczyk

      January 8, 2012 at 11:08 am

      Hi Mal. Yeah, he is something and a bit quirky like his Mema. I like your take on the sickness I’m still trying to kick. Thanks for stopping by and Happy New Year. ET

       
  8. Lindy Lee

    January 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    A very wise mother once advised, “Hell is driving around in traffic without AC in 100 degree heat & humidity with five kids in the back seat”…

     
    • etomczyk

      January 8, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      So true, so true. Thanks Lindy for stopping by. Plan to drop by your place once I can concentrate. Brain is just a mess since getting sick. Getting better though. All the best!

       
  9. An Observant Mind

    January 8, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Your little terrorist might be the cutest I have ever seen – no wonder you were duped! Hope you overcome the attack soon, and can provide the rest of us with anti-venom.

     
    • etomczyk

      January 8, 2012 at 7:40 pm

      Karyn: Thanks so much for stopping by and the compliments. My favorite part about the kid is not so much his looks as his quirkyness (The double panty helmet and the opera [perfect pitch] belted “A” while doing the hip-hop moves while traveling from point to point has got to be the making of a comedian.) Let us hope! All the best. Plan to drop by your place once I can concentrate. Brain is just a mess since getting sick. Getting better though. All the best!

       
  10. imagesbytdashfield

    January 8, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    I’ve always said that the most deadly germs on this planet are carried by cherubic sweeties that pass it on to us without so much as a by your leave! Your grandson is a cutie pie 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      January 8, 2012 at 7:41 pm

      So true, so true. Thanks T for stopping by. Plan to drop by your place once I can concentrate. Brain is just a mess since getting sick. Getting better though. All the best! Happy New Years to you and yours. ET

       
  11. Maggie

    January 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    Omg…..I laughed so hard and enjoyed all the photos of the little terroist!!! They told a story all by themselves! Loved the family pics, you all looked wonderful! Sorry you got the “plague” and I hope you are increasing your strength and immune system for the next visit! Great blog…still laughing! Love to you and WW, Maggie

     
    • etomczyk

      January 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

      Happy New Year Maggie. Yes, my “terrorist” who sings one-note opera caused me to miss a week of work. I’ve never been so week and so sick. He’s just a doll though and smart as a whip–show him something once and he’s good to go. Love to all.

       
  12. elroyjones

    January 12, 2012 at 5:28 am

    You are FUNNY! Great post, adorable little operative!

     
    • etomczyk

      January 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

      Thanks for stopping by Elroy. Hope your holidays were lovely. I’ll come by your site once I dig myself from under my pile. Cheers!

       
  13. dysfunctional unit

    January 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Very funny. Great read…”Operatives should be a herd of 3-6 year olds” Brilliant plan and hilarious. As a father of five in ages from 32 to 4 I could relate and laughed my butt off. Excellent read

     
  14. Heather Whitley Gibson

    January 19, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Great post! If your not already following my page, feel free to follow at my new and updated blog at http://tigergroves.wordpress.com Thank you!

     
  15. Susannah

    March 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    E,

    Have to disagree with ya here….. “or people who don’t eat meat (vegetarians—you don’t stand a chance).” Vegetarian verging on vegan for 8 years now – have not taken a sick day since i made this lifestyle change and have had my share of spending time around these little terrorists and their cells!! I sit and watch as my meat-eating fellow beings fall by the wayside!!! 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      March 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      Hi Susannah. Welcome! Actually, I used to be a vegetarian for years but had to leave it behind due to medical reasons. That line “vegetarians don’t stand a chance” was a shout-out to a couple of my vegetarian friends with children who had gotten the same sickness as I and we were trading war stories as I wrote that blog, all while crawling from pillar to post. We had a bet as to who would heal first. I think I won over the vegetarian but it had nothing to do with my meat diet, she was just more run down than I was before the plague began. I still eat three – four days (sometimes more) of vegetarian meals but I must confess that I lust after a good steak every once and awhile. All the best and come back soon.

       

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: