RSS

So What Was That All About?

10 Nov

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  Before we heterosexuals try and pull the speck out of the eye of our gay brothers and sisters regarding the “sanctity of marriage,” we need to work on pulling the logs out of our own eyes when it comes to the mockery of marriage that so many of us have so cynically engaged in.  I attended Kim and Kris’ wedding a few months ago (I’m just like “this” [two fingers crossed] with the Kardashians), and I am so upset over Kim’s announcement that she is breaking up her marriage with Kris Humphries after only 72 days — I just don’t feel like celebrating another wedding ever again.  I mean I used to love these expensive, over-the-top weddings, but I’m stunned at the revelation of the demise of Kim and Kris’ marriage after such a huge shindig.  They were cast so perfectly for the reality show, and they had such a perfect fairy tale wedding.  Ask any of my friends:  I can’t shake off my grief.  I’ve become such a mess over the demise of their union that I had to write Kim a letter and get some of my disappointment and frustration off my chest.  I mean she’s like a daughter to me, so I have the right to get all up in her business if I want to, if you’re wondering – if you really want to know.

Google Image/Kim Kardashian

Hello Pookey:  I hear you’re an absolute wreck these days.  I’m so sorry.  I tossed a coin to see whether I should write to you or Kris, and I chose you because I really don’t think that child has the sense he was born with (we’ll tackle that boy’s maturity level another day).  Now you know how long your mother and I have been friends.  We go way back to the O.J. and Nicole Simpson days when they claimed to have a happy marriage, and you know what happened to them.  And as your favorite aunt who has been happily married for over 32 years, I felt that I had the gravitas to be able to write you this note. You remember how much I loved, loved, and triple loved your wedding that happened JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO?  Everything was perfectThe entire affair was just to die for!   But now I hear you are divorcing Kris’ ass after only 72 days.  I also hear you’re not planning on giving Kris back the two million dollar engagement ring he gave you.

I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, Baby-girl, but give that child back his little 20.5 carat piece of shiny carbon, ‘cause nobody can claim to have been married when they call it quits after only 72 days.  That wasn’t a marriage, Sugah — that was an extended sleep-over with benefits.  One of your anonymous peeps said to Jennifer Garcia of People Online that “Everything she (Kim) dreamed of in her mind was right there in front of her but what she realized is that her heart wasn’t there.”  Were you in love with “being in love” and then reality hit?  Real reality (not staged reality) is a bitch, isn’t it?  You see Kim, baby, — fantasy is one thing, real life is another — and all marriages (if they are to survive) have to grow up in the reality of immature actions, screaming babies, sickness, unemployment, bad breath, laundry, disappointment, occasional smelly farts, and annoying habits.  You can’t cry “cut” like you do on your reality show when you’ve had enough.  Real love can conquer all that.  Just ask your Uncle WW and me.  BUT, GIRLFRIEND, YOU NEED MORE THAN 72 FUCKING HOURS!  Am I getting through to you here?  Also, I don’t mean to be cruel or anything, but times are hard and if you’re really serious about calling it quits with Kris, then Uncle WW and I would like our twin Dalmatian puppies back.  I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do with them, but we’ll think of something, ‘cause those suckers cost us a pretty penny.

One final note, Baby-girl:  If you really knew that you were making a mistake when you walked down the aisle, but you were too scared to call it off because of all the money and the pomp and circumstance involved — as a woman, I get it; I really do.  It takes a lot of courage to say, “I can’t go through with this; I’ve made a huge mistake.”  If you’ve discovered he’s a serial killer or a pedophile or worse, then by all means get your ass out of Dodge, and I’ll be the first in line to hide you in my attic.  But if you’ve done this for a publicity stunt as your former publicist, Jonathan Jaxson, has eluded to, or because you’ve just discovered Kris isn’t your fantasy Prince Charming, but just a dumb ol’ jock — girl, what credibility you had with me has just been shot to Hell.

 

Google Image/buzzle.com

After I sent that pissy note to Kim Kardashian, I realized there were a bunch of other people who needed to give me back the wedding presents I’d sent them because when I sent those items, it was in good faith, and they were supposed to stay married “until death did them part.”  I decided to send out a bunch of “re-po” notes repossessing my wedding gifts from the most egregious marital felons.  I didn’t give two-hoots about the gifts (they were already used or re-gifted on their part, anyway) but I wanted to make a point about how they had pissed me off.

Google Image/J. Lo, Marc Anthony, and children

Dear Jenny from the block and my main man M-A:  Really?  Seven years?  Is that the best you can do here? Did you not learn from your other marriages?  You both said you did when we chatted at your engagement party.  Now, Jenny, you know I love you, baby.  But I read online that you said, after leaving Marc Antony, in order for marriage to work, “You’ve got to love yourself first.  And until you value yourself enough and love yourself enough to know that, you can’t really have a healthy relationship.”  What kind of Scientology bullshit is that? You have to value each other enough that you choose each other over everything else – you have to both put each other first.  Couldn’t you two have figured out how to cherish each other before the twins were born?  Our children would like us to halfway have our shit together before we birth them so that we don’t mess up their lives, because contrary to popular belief, “the children will not be all right”— at least not without a bit of a struggle.  Anyway, please send me back the ant farm WW and I gave you for a wedding present (the ants are probably dead, anyway).

Google Image/Al and Tipper Gore

Dear Al and Tipper:  40 years!  F-O-R-T-Y Y-E-A-R-S!  After forty years, unless you two were into some kinky shit you hadn’t told me about, or Al had turned into a wife beater, could you not have figured how to work this out?  You’re saying that you just “drifted apart.”  People don’t just drift apart after forty years.  Al: Do you remember what you said on the Larry King show in 2002?   “Well, we fell in love, and we’ve stayed in love, and we’ve worked very hard when there were hard times to work it out, and not that we ever thought about divorcing or anything like that. I don’t mean to imply that. I mean that I think people need to work it out.”  So, “liar, liar, pants on fire,” what in the hell happened here?  Good grief!  I not only want my Ginsu knives back, but I want you to purchase me a new set ‘cause I know after forty years even Ginsu knives won’t be able to cut butter.

Google Image/Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold, Arnold, Arnold:  What the fuck?!   You are such a mangy dog — just downright nasty, dude!  What kind of sorry-ass governor campaigns on a family values platform, “schtups” his maid in his house, and fathers a child with her, all the while keeping the baby a secret from his wife for thirteen years while the baby’s mother continues to scrub your floors and clean your nasty-ass toilets?  And weren’t you the one who called out ‘single mothers’ as one of our biggest social problems when you were running for governor?  Sheesh Louise, Arnold — you flushed twenty-five years of marriage down the proverbial toilet!  Give me back my gold-plated “his and her” ThighMasters, today!  On second thought, my girl, Maria, can keep hers, but I want yours back so that I can burn it.  Eeuuw! “Hasta la vista, baby!”

******

 IMP. NOTEThis is a satirical essay on marriage.  I do not know the people listed above; I have no desire to know these people no matter how talented and intelligent some of them might be.  The kind of people I wish I knew, keep eluding me – like Norma and Gordon Yeager.

Google Image/Norma and Gordon Yeager’s hands

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Yeager:   May I call you by your first names:  Norma and Gordon?  I would have given just about anything to have known you.  I read that you died the other day and I am so very sorry that I missed you.  The Iowa paper said you had been married for 72 years when you got into that horrific car accident.  You must be turning over in your graves when you hear that Kim and Kris are getting a divorce after only 72 days and you had been married for 72 years!

You were 94 years old, Gordon, and you were 90 years old, Norma, when you both died.  Your children said that you both would tell anyone who would listen that you had to stay around for each other, because, as Mr. Yeager was fond of saying:  “I can’t go until she does because I’ve got to stay here for her.” I’m so grateful that the hospital administration had the good sense to put you two together in the same room in adjacent beds in the intensive care unit.  Had the staff not done that, your children would have missed something magnificent when you reached for each other’s hands in your semi-conscious states and held onto each other for dear life.  Had you not been together at that crucial time, we all would have missed something gloriously spiritual when you died, Gordon, at 3:38 on October 19th, but your heart monitor still continued to produce a strong, consistent heartbeat.  Then the nurses and doctors wouldn’t have seen something they’ve never encountered in their lives:  your wife’s heartbeat pumping through your clasped hands, and her heartbeat pulsing through your body which caused your heart monitor to continue to register a steady beat even though you were dead.  When you died, Mrs. Yeager, at 4:38 — exactly one hour after Mr. Yeager — the world lost a marriage that should have been celebrated on the front page of every magazine and newspaper, and should have headlined the evening news across the country.  When one of your sons (Dennis) was interviewed about you, he said:

“I don’t believe there was a big
secret to their marriage. Sometimes one or the other would get mad but
they
worked everything out. 

 In the end, they chose each other and that was it. They were committed.”

******

Norma and Gordon:  When your children had you placed in the same coffin, holding hands, and then had you cremated and your ashes mixed together, I realized that I had encountered a marriage that was holy, and I wished WW and I had been a part of your lives.

******

I am discovering that there are other Yeagers out there (few and far between, but they are out there).  I accidentally ran into a “Norma” the other day and her name is Tina from Interior Elements .  She writes in her blog post “Married. . .” (married for 28 years): “Being married for a long time is a lot of work and eventually, when the expectations dwindle out of sheer mental exhaustion, you get to know the person you did not invent.  Or tried to re-invent.”  Yep, there is hope for us yet!

Google Image/Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Dear Prince William and Your Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge:  If you guys don’t go the distance, I’m giving up the ghost, and I’m demanding my velvet painting of Elvis back.  Forewarned is forearmed!

Tomczyks: Keepin’ it real after 32 years

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.  ~Doug Larson

******

 Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths.  No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.  ~Mark Twain

 ******

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.  ~Claire Cloninger, “When the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit and the Silver Spoon is in Someone Else’s Mouth”

******

People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images.  The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is.  ~James L. Framo, “Explorations in Marital & Family Therapy”

All text and photos by Eleanor and John Tomczyk © 2011 except where otherwise noted

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 
34 Comments

Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

34 responses to “So What Was That All About?

  1. becomingcliche

    November 10, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Your opening paragraph has been bumping around in my brain for years. Thank you for actually saying it. Personally, I have had a hard time focusing on anything outside myself through this giant plank in my eye. Or at least I’m trying to keep my attention on my own 2×4

     
    • etomczyk

      November 10, 2011 at 9:01 pm

      Very well said,”Becomiing Cliche.” Can you believe the story about the Yeagers and that they had been married 72 years as in comparison to the 72 DAYS of the Kardashian girl and her beau. What a world!

       
  2. FatGirlUSA

    November 10, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    32 years… WOW! Bridgette

     
    • etomczyk

      November 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm

      I know! Can you believe it? 🙂

       
  3. hudson howl

    November 10, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    I applaud marriages that last. I even applaud marriages that dissolve if they end after a long period of trying to get it together.

    The caption under the picture of you and your husband says it all -keep it real. Sounds easy a nuff.

     
    • etomczyk

      November 10, 2011 at 9:25 pm

      Hi Hudson! Actually, I think the “Keepin’ it real” is the hardest part of all. It’s so easy to resort to playing games or trying to make each other into something we’re not as Tina said from Interior Elements. It takes real concentration to “Keep it Real.” All the best.

       
      • hudson howl

        November 10, 2011 at 9:30 pm

        I should have followed ‘sounds easy’ with ‘Yeah right’. Dam, its hard.

         
  4. Kirsten

    November 10, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    ET, this is fantastic. Here’s to another 32 years for you! With love from the Fatzes (10 years and counting)

     
    • etomczyk

      November 10, 2011 at 9:27 pm

      Hey Darlin’! Yep, I’m counting on the two of you going the distance. Love to you from WW and me 🙂

       
  5. Tina

    November 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Oh my lady, fantastic. I’m not sure which I’m more honored by, being put in a “Norma” class with my “Gordon” or being linked on your blog. No, I’m quite sure it’s the former. Thank you so much. Your “mission” is very effective. Carry on!

     
    • etomczyk

      November 11, 2011 at 11:07 am

      You’re so welcome. Here’s to you and your “Gordon” that you’ll be holding hands until the end. Keep writing. I feel a love story coming out from the Tina brand in the likes of Anne Tyler. One of your fans!

       
  6. DesiValentine

    November 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I love Mr. and Mrs. Yeagers story, and the elegant, simple, beautiful “trick” of staying together for so long. My husband and I have been together for 13 years in February, married 9 years in March. We are mere babies at this marriage business! But every day, we choose each other. Every night we go to sleep, holding hands. And we’ve been through enough to know that the better does always follow the worse. I’m crying now, of course. Thanks, ET 🙂

     
    • etomczyk

      November 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

      Desi: I wait for your comments because they are sheer poetry. I’m crying now too. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. Blessings to you and yours. ET

       
  7. eurobrat

    November 12, 2011 at 3:07 am

    Love the cute picture of you and your hubby! Adorable!

     
    • etomczyk

      November 12, 2011 at 7:42 am

      Thanks Eurobrat. I think I’ll keep him 🙂 By the way, you haven’t posted anything since August. Are you coming back? I miss you. Take care. ET

       
      • eurobrat

        November 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

        Thanks for asking about my blog 🙂 I completed my short story series in August and haven’t really felt inspired to start anything new….yet. I’ve been having a great time commenting and having political discussions on other people’s blogs, though….I’m so glad I found wordpress!! 🙂

         
  8. nonnie9999

    November 12, 2011 at 7:17 am

    i applaud people who can stay married, and extra props if they’re actually happy (like you and your handsome hubby look, eleanor). howevah (because there’s always a howevah), there’s something to be said for people who can stay divorced. i was really crappy at marriage. unlike every other member of my immediate family (other than my son, i mean) and a lot of people i know, i’m not a serial marrier. i tried it once, wished the marriage license expired, got out, and stayed out.

    p.s. does that mean i have to return those ceramic salt and pepper shakers in the shape of pineapples?

     
    • etomczyk

      November 12, 2011 at 8:20 am

      Hey Nonnie: I always told my girls that I was giving the marriage route one shot. It would be my best shot, but if their dad and I broke up or even if he died before me, there would be no other man — period. That’s because I think this marriage thing is so damn hard that if the man is not willing to “lay down his life” in the way he treats his woman (I actually think women do a better job at this because we are born nurturers, for the most part), then the game is usually over and there is no other choice but to go our separate ways. I applaud the fact that you knew that repeating the same thing over and over again (serial marrying), but expecting different results, would have been insanity. I applaud the fact when people call off the wedding BEFORE they falsely commit themselves because they got caught up in a fairy tale. (I used to be a wedding singer and I can’t tell you how many brides I found crying and throwing up at the rehearsal dinner because they knew they were making a mistake. The messy divorces would prove them to be right everytime — they should have just said “no.”) I saw an interview with Colin Powell and the interviewer asked him what was the secret to his marriage of 47 years. I expected him to say something profound and poetic, but his answer was: “being able to get along.” I decided he pretty much hit it on the nail. That’s the secret. But being able to get along means putting each other (these things have to go both ways) first, compromising, asking forgiveness when wrong (keeping my mouth shut when I’m right 🙂 ), and refusing to do anything that would humiliate or disdain each other in even the slightest way. Some lines can’t be crossed in marriage, and when they are, especially repeatedly so, usually divorce is the only option.

      P.S. You get to keep the cermaic salt and pepper shakers in the shape of pineapples and smash them into smithereens with a solid hammer because some things are way too ugly to keep around especially with a new oven 🙂 .

       
  9. Mal

    November 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Gosh, Eleanor, this is absolutely super duper, fantabulous and soooooooooo well said to all peoples out there…am praying that they got your message loud and clear! Kudos, gal! 😀

     
    • etomczyk

      November 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

      Hi Mal. I so appreciate your support. Have a happy post 11/11/11. Cheers!

       
  10. afrankangle

    November 13, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    You go Girl. Why do tell them. Given the cost of the marriage and the 72 days …. plus the cost of the divorce … I wonder what the cost per day will be in the end? congrats on 32 …. 34+ for us, thus currently in initial planning for a 35 year celebration trip. Cheers and blessings to ya.

     
    • etomczyk

      November 13, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      Thanks Frank! And congrats on the 34+ — absolutely, awesome. If you’re low on ideas, may I suggest a 14-day Mediterranean cruise on the Celebrity Soltice with a balcony room. Yeah, baby! 🙂

       
      • afrankangle

        November 13, 2011 at 9:25 pm

        LOL … We actually looking at cruising either the Med or the Baltic on either Celebrity or Royal Caribbean …. and yes, a balcony! 🙂

         
      • etomczyk

        November 13, 2011 at 10:52 pm

        Ha! That’s great. If you haven’t read my very first story (“High School Never Ends”), you will enjoy it. It is my account of our 14 day Med cruise for our 32nd anniversary.

         
  11. An Observant Mind

    November 14, 2011 at 5:20 am

    If I could give a standing ovation I would! You are so right, the lack of commitment in this world today is shameful, Kim’s marriage a mockery of the sanctity….along with the others. I had not heard the story of the Yeagers marriage but LOVED every word of it. What a wonderful testament not to the romance of soppy feelings, love hearts, chocolates and flowers, but to true friendship, commitment and loyalty. I hope to achieve such a thing. Thanks again for a thought-provoking wonderful post!

     
    • etomczyk

      November 14, 2011 at 5:59 am

      Hi Karyn: I truly appreciate your comments. I actually had scores of examples from my research (I just picked the ones that seemed the most entertaining). But after I finished researching, it made me really sad because I thought, we’re missing the point, here. I talked to several people in their 20’s who had really been into the Kardashian wedding fiasco and a young woman who had just gotten engaged who had this upside down, self-centered view of marriage and it made me want to cry. They were “in love with being in love.” They didn’t have a clue as to what awaited them.

       
  12. Sondra

    November 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    I stayed in a marriage for 25 years trying to make it work. What I finally realized is that unless both people are working on the marriage it is doomed. After being put through multiple addictions, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse, being a single parent (while in a marriage) and being accused of being the reason for all of the above. I will not enter into marriage again. It seems that people have had their heads filled with all that Prince Charming and Cinderella garbage, but it doesn’t take long before the harsh reality of what it means to be married come out to strike. I commend you and John. I know the sacrifices, the commitment that you have made to each other and I say Bravo! You are the true role models of what it takes to make a marriage work. So I say to all that would consider marriage to gird your loins and enter into that commitment with full knowledge of who you are entering in with, if you have the courage.
    Once again Eleanor you are right on point!

     
    • etomczyk

      November 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm

      Wow, Sondra. Your comments are heart-wrenching and humbling. Thank you for being so vulnerable because there are so many who have walked a similar mile. I personally celebrate your courage and strength. Kudos, Sweetie!

       
  13. sondra smith

    November 15, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I should have been clearer in my statement that I would never get married again….I am not bitter by any means. I did what I felt was the right thing to do at the time. I would not get married again because I believe that this is a time for me.

     
    • Shonnie

      November 17, 2011 at 9:01 pm

      Some things –including some marriages–need to die a graceful death. Many thought don’t have real reasons to bail other than they just made no effort. There are limits to commitment. My first marriage lasted 5 years and I can’t tell you how many times he cheated on me because it was too numerous to count. He beat me and it wasn’t until he picked our baby boy up and threw him at me I woke up and asked him to leave. He did and I have not looked back on that. Somethings need to die. 😀 Hugs girl!

       
  14. Shonnie

    November 17, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Keep on Keepin’ it real girl. There has to be a few folks out there who actually value the marriage relationship more than a momentary binding. It is a commitment and sometimes it is hard. We are keepin’ it real over here for almost 24 years. 😀

     
    • etomczyk

      November 17, 2011 at 9:18 pm

      Shonnie, Baby, I could tell there was something special going on with you and your man! Excellent! Maybe we can form a club. 🙂

       
      • Shonnie

        November 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm

        We should. What should we call it? Married and lovin’ it?

         
      • etomczyk

        November 17, 2011 at 9:26 pm

        Hum…I’ll have to give that some thought! That would make a fun blog post (have a naming contest for 25 years +).

         

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: