Don’t Quote Me—But I Think Jesus Is Pissed!

28 Oct

(This story is a continuation of C-‘48’s Odyssey from blog post: “It’s Sure Gonna Suck for You.”)

Do you know what I’ve discovered?  My sorry-ass was supposed to be “out of here” last week—Oct. 21st (a.k.a. the Rapture).  I haven’t always believed in the Rapture, but I figured why not give it a try.  Earth was becoming a place that was really beginning to suck for a various number of reasons (wars upon wars and rumors of wars, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, uptick in racism, child abuse, murders, mayhem, and rape—just to name a few nightmares).  I was looking forward to the great escape and going to a place where there would be no more tears, and I could eat great food without gaining weight.  I could stand to trade in all the stress from the chaos and mayhem, and just “hang ten” with Jesus (in heaven I’m going to have a killer surfer bod and be able to surf like a female Kelly Slater).  I’d gotten all my affairs in order, paid all my bills, called in sick to work, kissed WW and the kids good-bye, and prepared myself for a long trip “up.”  But nothing happened!

I’m typing this blog post several days AFTER I was supposed to take flight with my wig and clothes left behind on the seat in front of the steering wheel of my car while my chubby naked ass floated heavenward.  My vehicle would have barreled on down the highway without a driver, terrorizing the “left behind drivers” and the “po-po,” which made me sad at first, but it was just the way the cookie had to crumble if I was going to be part of the “big snatch.”  But. . . I’m still here!   What the fuck?

Google Image/Rapture Billboard

Actually, according to that old dude (Harold Camping) who prophesied the big snatch for Oct. 21st, he promised that I was supposed to be originally raptured on May 21st.

Well, Rev. Camping, you’ve sure got some explaining to do.  It’s like you cried “fire” in a dark theater twice in one year, causing tons of people to panic, but there was no fire.  I’m still here on this planet that I never wanted to come to in the first place (see “It’s Sure Gonna Suck for You”), and your second “snatch day” has come and gone.

So, I’ve had it, Campy baby, and I’m not taking this lying down.  I’d open up a can of whup-ass on you if I could find you (apparently, you’re in hiding), but since I can’t find you, I’m going to do what every little kid on the playground knows to do when they are pissed at one of the other kids:  I’m tellin’ on your ass.

I’m going straight to the person who you claim to be “your boss” and I’m going to tell him how you’re messin’ with people’s minds, causing all sorts of chaos, and making a mockery of your boss’ life and death.  You see, I have discovered the Jesus you talk about is a real stand-up guy, and I’m registering a letter of complaint to him against you.  And while I’m at it, I’m telling on all the other ne’er-do-wells that are saying “God told me this or God told me that” just for their own political or financial gain!  YOUR ASS IS GRASS, MOFO!


Dear Jesus:

Hope all is well with you and the universe(s) and the hundreds of billions of galaxies you traverse.  I am one of your peeps and I’ve tried to follow you with all my heart for over forty years.  Let me say, first and foremost:  I love you because you first loved me and I remain secure in that love.  However, in the interest of full disclosure, I no longer attend church, but I’m sure you knew that.   I left about a year before the writer Anne Rice left and for the same reasons:  so many of your peeps have lost their ever lovin’, freakin’ minds, and they have become part of the problem and not the solution down here on your third rock from the sun.  They’ve become Fox News worshipers, Glenn Beck idolizers, and Palin-Bachmann sympathizers, as if you, personally, had come down from heaven and knighted these people with a special dispensation from on high.

Which is why I’m writing:  I would like to register a complaint against your Church.  I’m not registering the complaint against all of your Church, just  the crazy parts.  I know that there has always been a remnant of Christians who have been sane and have done the  right thing by your Earth and the people in it, but right now, the crazies are  over-shadowing your “normal” peeps who are just trying to model your example of integrity, love, and grace.

So I’m writing to ask:  what is up with these people and would you please put a stop to them?  You’re such an intelligent God and so outrageously loving and great—with a fabulous sense of humor, I might add—but it’s hard to see that because of what people, who “claim” to be your peeps, are saying and doing in your name.  In case you haven’t been able to catch the news lately, here are a few examples of the freak show:

Google Image/Rev. Harold Camping (False Prophet)

Rev. Camping’s Predictions

“Thus, we must realize that October 21, 2011 will be the final day of this earth’s existence.”

“And now, we have no option. We can’t say ‘maybe’ ‘it’s possible’ ‘it
looks very probable…’ No way! We have to say this is what the Bible teaches!
This is fact! May 21, 2011 is the
day of the Rapture, it is the day that Judgment Day begins…”

“When September 6, 1994,
arrives, no one else can become saved. The end has come.”

Really, Jesus?  I’ve read that in the 90’s, Rev. Camping had approximately eight false Rapture predictions.  And yet I hear today he’s worth 7 million dollars, while the people who took him seriously sold all their worldly goods to help him “spread the word.”  Obviously, he didn’t think he was going very far if he held onto his own millions.  Last time I checked, our money was no good in Heaven.  But here’s the real kick in the balls:  Rev. Camping refused to reimburse the people who sold their homes, crisscrossed the country screaming “the end is near,” and used all their life savings to advertise Rev. Campings false predictions (some foolish guy invested $144,000 of his retirement—all he had).

Google Image/Anita Perry (Wife of Rick Perry)

“God was already speaking to me,” she [Anita Perry] said, “but he [Rick] didn’t want to hear it” (on hearing the distinct voice of God tell her that her husband should run for president and “take back our nation”). . . .  “We’ve been brutalized. Beaten up, chewed up in the press … We’ve been brutalized by our opponents and our own party. So much that is I think they look at him [Rick] because of his faith.”

Jesus, what Anita is saying, just isn’t true.  Ricky is being chewed up in the press because he’s saying idiotic and “anti-you” things but claiming to be called by you to be our next president.  On one hand, he’s presenting himself as a “good, upstanding Christian” (your knight in shining armor), and on the other hand, he’s pathetically defending the existence of a damn rock that bore the name “Niggerhead” at a hunting camp he and his family owned for years in a place that was once considered a “sundown town.”  (Translation:  “Don’t let the sun go down, Nigger, while you are still in our town.”)   Ricky says he painted over that rock in 1983, but at least seven other hunters claim to have seen the sign “unpainted” as late as 2008, and others have said that even with the sign currently painted, discernable letters are still visible.

Google Image/Throckmorton (Rick Perry’s Hunting Camp)

So, Jesus, here is the $64,000 question:  If this man loves you and is called by you to govern people of all races and colors, why didn’t that sign break his heart?  I know plenty of righteous white folks (some of them live in Texas, too) who wouldn’t have slept until that rock was ground into dust, scattered to the four corners of the Earth, and an exorcist brought into the camp to cleanse it of its racist past.

Now your “man of God,” is resurfacing the insulting Birther lie about our president.  When asked why, this “good Christian man” is doing such a mean-spirited thing, he said:  “It’s fun to poke at him (Obama) a little bit and say, ‘Hey, how about it.  Let’s see your grades and your birth certificate’” (keeping alive the lie the Tea Party spread that our President may have lied about his schooling).  Seriously, Jesus?  Does Rick Perry really want to “go there” having graduated as a cheerleader from Texas A&M with mediocre to failing grades in his core subjects?  Does he really want to bear the shame of the world comparing his grades against Barack Obama’s who was the president of the Harvard Law Review?   Rick Perry held a prayer meeting in your name to kick off his presidential campaign, so why is he “poking” fun at his president and mine?  Is Rick jealous or just flat out mean?  Somehow the “love your brother as yourself” just isn’t cutting it with him, and it’s making that prayer meeting of his seem like a total sham.

Google Image/AFP||Getty Image

Westboro Baptist Church “Screaming hatred in the name of Jesus”

Now about that sick Westboro Baptist Church:  This picture speaks a thousand words.  Are these people really going to Heaven?  I seriously might have to reconsider your offer about heaven if I have the slightest potential of living with these racist, homophobic, misanthropic people for an eternity.  Please, say it isn’t so!

You see what I’m sayin’, Jesus; it’s all so perverse!   To Hell with this creepy Rapture stuff!  I know it’s a lie made up by some dude named John Darby in the 1800’s, but you’d be stunned to know how many people actually believe in it and “sell it” like their lives depended on it while their actions are the antithesis of you and what you stand for.

  •  “You’ll be riding along in an automobile. You’ll be the driver perhaps. You’re a Christian. There’ll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away — you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes…. Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on … every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the driver’s wheel.” Jerry Falwell’s pamphlet:  Nuclear War and the Second Coming of Christ

Remember Jerry Falwell’s multitudinous hurtful and racist statements committed in your name when he was alive?  So, if Jerry was correct about the Rapture, that would make you the God of Chaos!  Sheesh!  (Important reminder, Lord Jesus:  Jerry Falwell also died very rich and politically powerful while preaching we all needed to prepare to be “snatched up” and leave everything behind.)

No disrespect, my Lord, but why do you let these jokers get away with this?  Why don’t you say something or, better yet, do something?

Unless…unless you have already raptured everyone a long time ago, and I’ve been left behind with the likes of Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Herman Cain, Rush Limbaugh, Rick Perry, and the Westboro Baptist Church, just to name a few of the wingnuts!  Oh, my God, what if Fox News is the official news channel for Hell?  I never thought of that!  Oy vez mir. 

Please, please return soon.

Trying to be one of your servants, C-‘48

Google Image of Jesus (not really—just his human skin-casing)


Dear Cleve-’48:

I am Jesus’ executive assistant and I wanted to get back to you as soon as possible with a letter that he specifically dictated to you.  He sends his apologies that he couldn’t personally speak to you himself (he does far less of that than people claim), but he is dealing with all the mayhem throughout the world that is being caused by the choices of humans who refuse to do right by each other and the Earth. 

Jesus asked me to let you know that he feels your pain.  He also wants to assure you that he never said anything crazy people have maintained he said throughout the centuries—from the murderous crusaders to Rick Perry’s wife saying God told her, “Rick should run for president and take our country back.”  Jesus’ exact response to all of this, to put it in a nutshell, is:  “They are ‘mashugana’”!

As to the Westboro Baptist Church, Jesus has nothing to say about them because he doesn’t know them—you might try Satan’s website for those who have signed up for early registration to Hell.

My boss said to remind you that what he did say to those people, who claim to be acting on his behalf, is a matter of public record:

  •  “Be wary of false preachers who smile a lot, dripping with practiced sincerity. Chances are they are out to rip you off some way or other. Don’t be impressed with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main thing, not what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your pocketbook. . . .Knowing the correct password — saying ‘Master, Master,’ for instance — isn’t going to get you anywhere with me. . . I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, ‘Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.’ And do you know what I am going to say? ‘You missed the boat.  All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don’t impress me one bit. You’re out of here.’” (Matt. 7:21-23 The Message Bible—bold and underline emphasis = mine)

Jesus also asked me to tell you that as to this blatant worship of capitalism that is running amok through so many Christians who think he’s an American and a Republican, and who are so against social justice, he’s just “not down” with that.  It is a “cancer” enhanced by the discipleship to people like Glenn Beck (not a spokesman of his, by the way) to Ayn Rand’s philosophy of objectivism which she laid out so poorly in Atlas Shrugged. My boss is still puzzled that Christians can read the ninety pages of John Galt’s speech in Atlas Shrugged which is a manifesto to greed, hubris, self-centeredness, disdain and contempt for the poor, and cold-heartedness to the disenfranchised, and his peeps don’t walk away feeling sick to their stomach when they measure it against his Sermon on the Mount.  Finally, what he actually said to all of them, and they are purposely ignoring, is still a matter of public record:

  •  “Then he (Jesus) will turn to the ‘goats’ (heartless, self-centered, mean-spirited, self-righteous Christians) the ones on his left, and say, ‘Get out, worthless goats!  You’re good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—
    • I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
    • I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
    • I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
    • I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
    • Sick and in prison, and you never visited.’

“Then those ‘goats’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn’t help?’ He will answer them, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.’” Matt: 25:41-43 (The Message Bible – parentheses, bold, and underlining emphasis = mine)

One last point, C-‘48:  Jesus asked me to tell you not to believe everything you hear.  I believe he said:  “If it walks like a fool, and talks like a fool, then it is a fool and has nothing to do with me or what I am about.”

Hope this helps and brings you peace.  Keep on believin’, keep on representin’, and keep on lovin’ regardless of the haters!

All the Best.

Jesus’ EA, Heavenly Dimension, Inc.

I am a Christian, BUT not one of those Christians!

“I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Mahatma Gandhi


All text and photos by Eleanor and John Tomczyk copyrighted © 2011 except where otherwise noted

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit
is given to Eleanor Tomczyk and “How the Hell Did I End Up Here?” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Posted by on October 28, 2011 in Uncategorized


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59 responses to “Don’t Quote Me—But I Think Jesus Is Pissed!

  1. eurobrat

    October 28, 2011 at 2:40 am

    I’m totally co-signing this letter, Eleanor! Love it.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 2:45 am

      Hi Karolina: Thanks for being my first commenter — I was holding my breath! I’ll stop over and check up on you, as well. Cheers!

      • eurobrat

        October 28, 2011 at 4:58 am

        Well, I share that same sense of embarrassment when it comes to being associated with the Christian religion and your blog really hit the spot. I usually introduce myself to people as a “hippie Christian” to make the difference clear…

      • etomczyk

        October 28, 2011 at 5:08 am

        …and I usually introduce myself by my actions and my deeds. If people ask me “why” I’m kind, or loving, or gracious, or humorous, or forgiving, then I say it is because “I am a believer in Jesus and all he stood for.” If they catch me being a little brat (as all humans are wont to be every once in awhile), then I try to really follow my hero and repent as fast as I can and as sincerely as I can. God bless.

      • eurobrat

        October 29, 2011 at 2:52 am

        I should add that I don’t really introduce myself with my religion–but I do keep the “hippie Christian” handy for when people ask for my religion. The “not Pat Robertson Christian” also works.

      • etomczyk

        October 29, 2011 at 3:01 am

        Eurobrat: So true, so true. . . I feel as if I need to borrow part of Martin Luther King, Jr’s dream speech and convert it to a mantra for the modern church: (paraphrased) “I have a dream that one day Christians far and wide will be judged by their character and not their words.” Take care.

  2. sondra

    October 28, 2011 at 2:49 am

    For the longest time I have not wanted to admit that I am a Christian. I was afraid of being grouped with all the crazies that have been surfacing.
    I am speechless, moved, humbled and convicted to do more, say more, and let people know the difference between a goat and a Christian.

    You have exposed the pretenders for who they are. I especially like the ending quote. The church should be ashamed and fall on their faces and repent…

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 3:00 am

      Thanks Sondra. I am so touched by your response. I am undone by meaness and the stupidity I see happening “in the name of Jesus” and even though I used humor to express that pain, I am still mortified. All the best.

  3. Julie

    October 28, 2011 at 3:01 am

    I have friends who are not Christians and one is a card carrying atheist (really, ask him to show it to you) and when those Westboro idiots show up in the news and Pat Robertson says something that makes me say WT….? I want to hide. But I really need to stand up and try even harder to be like Jesus. He knows I don’t always make the mark, none of us do.
    And He was VERY clear that NO ONE knows when His return will be; not even the angels.
    I love your stories and the way you take a difficult subject and express it in a humorous way.
    God Bless you!

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 3:24 am

      Hi Julie. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I know what you mean. All my non-Christian friends just look at me and say, “Okay, we love you, and we know you love us, so WTF is wrong with your peeps”? All I can do is shake my head and cry. Thanks for joining in the chorus. I’ll hop over and check out your site, as well.

  4. afrankangle

    October 28, 2011 at 3:30 am

    5-stars to the lady who has gotten something off her chest … and I right with you too. Now I have to admit you had me laughing, cheering, and saying “Amen E-Tom.”

    You hit a lot of feelings for so many b/c these examples are reasons why people have left the church and feel embarrassed. After all, those making the statements think they represent all Christians – and they damn well don’t.

    And if you lived nearby, I would invite you to the church I attend – a place emphasizing love, integrity, and grace.

    Well done E-Tom, and thanks for speaking up … and for showing me your feisty side. 🙂

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 3:35 am

      Thanks Frank! And if I lived near you, I’d come running into your church. I still haven’t given up hope that churches like yours exist and will continue to multiply because people have basically had it with the nonsense. Life is a cruel mess, and if the spirituality being offered does not heal the heart and set us free from the pain that keeps us from truly living, then who needs it. Take care.

      • afrankangle

        October 28, 2011 at 3:59 am

        But now I have to get the raspberries out. You commend Karolina on being the first commenter, but you didn’t recognize that I was the first one to “Like” the post. I’m so crushed that I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight. May have to seek professional help regarding depression. i may run to the cabinet to seek my choice of alcohol. Heck, I may have to admit that I’m writing this from heaven because I was raptured. (Remember my post last Friday?). Instead, I just felt like yanking your chain. 🙂

      • etomczyk

        October 28, 2011 at 4:57 am

        Ah Frank. Don’t take it personally. I am so bad at looking up the “likes” — that’s the problem. I am really not that great with the techno items about this blogging thing. You should see what it is like when I’m trying to add a new post, I almost have a heart attack every week, because I’m always afraid I’m going to hit “publish” by mistake before its finished. Thanks so much for being the first to “like” me. I really do appreciate it. “You like me, you really, really like me”! 🙂

  5. Shonnie

    October 28, 2011 at 3:37 am

    Do you feel better now? I hope so … you sure tattled on a bunch-o-folks. hehehe. I completely forgot my original comment! hahah I had to say something though.

    Oh … how do these crack pots get the money to get their message out? I always wondered who would give them money?

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 3:45 am

      . . .a lot of very gullible people who stop thinking, stop challenging, and stop exploring the world around them to balance out what they are being taught. It takes a lot of courage to break away from something that may once have considered “home” and “truth” and go out into the unknown. That’s most people. But then there is just pure evil, and that is the Westboro Baptist Church! There is no explaining why people give them money. I am flabbergasted! Thanks for dropping by.

    • An Observant Mind

      October 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      My husband was considering a new career about a year ago. he said “Why don’t I just become an evangelist, they make a ton of money and travel the world and people adore them!” I said, “you cant, you have too much integrity to be a mouthpiece for the Lord” He said “No I don’t!” 🙂 Sad, but it seems this is the way of the new world. Scam artists + God – = Money.

  6. georgefloreswrite

    October 28, 2011 at 3:48 am

    Amen, Eleanor! I am so glad you wrote this because lately I find that Christianity has been hijacked and partnered with greed, cruelty, and a disregard for other humans. I’m a lapsed Catholic, not a church-goer, so I worry… but how can I go to a church I can’t trust? Why did the pope have to decree that the sexual abuse of children was a sin? Everyone knew it, even criminals. Why didn’t “priests” know it? So now I struggle without that support and try to do the best I can.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 4:51 am

      Oh, George, I know, I know. I cried for months whenever another news story would surface about how the Church had hidden the thousands of cases of children that had been abused by priests and the priests, in most cases, had been moved on and sheltered. I still can’t talk about it without tearing up because it hits so close to my own personal experience as a child. So I pray to a god I truly believe in (despite his peeps failures), and, as you say, do the best I can. God bless.

  7. nonnie9999

    October 28, 2011 at 8:32 am

    you know i love you, eleanor, and i hate to nitpick, but you wrote:

    “love your bother as yourself”

    while the sentiment of being a bother is more fitting for gov little ricky goodhair, i think you meant brother. now, i could be wrong, as i am not a christian, and i never read the bible (i did see the movie, though).

    since i’m not a christian, i knew i wasn’t going to be raptured, so i looked around for people who are christian, and i scoped out which ones had the best stuff. think of how disappointed i was that that mini-mansion with the pool and all that glorious closet space would not be mine.

    p.s. i noted over at the raisin that it finally occurred to me whom anita perry reminds me of (notice that i use the grammatically correct ‘whom’ yet still end the sentence with a preposition. i think that alone will keep me out of heaven). it was driving me crazy, but it came to me at last: piper laurie as the mother in carrie! the voice, the look (even the hairstyle), and the fanaticism is the same. anita is just missing a couple of forks and a can-opener in her hands.

    p.p.s. while i’m not a christian, if there’s great food and no weight gain, it’s possible i could be convinced to convert.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 11:22 am

      YIKES! IT’S CHANGED! A thousand thanks, Nonnie. I must read these posts 50 times before I release them. I can’t believe that something so familiar flew past me, but that is probably why it slipped by because my brain assumed it knew what it was reading (a perfect metaphor for what I was writing about). That line was also a last minute addition right before I hit “publish” and that never works for me. That’s why I write these things on Sunday and let them sit for days in order to catch mistakes. Well, it will keep me humble.

      Thanks so much for commenting. Isn’t that sad that if there were such a thing as a foolish rapture, you wouldn’t miss “us” because the legacy “left behind” would be one of material stuff and hatred–not love, goodness, kindness, grace, integrity, humility, or genuine joy. I’ve never believed in the rapture (believe it or not, there are many, many intelligent Christians who don’t believe in that craziness and actually believe in science–yee-gads!), so I had to do a lot of research before I wrote the post and I was pretty creeped out by how closely tied the rapture theory is to the benjamins. Tim LaHay (never read his books because I couldn’t get through the first paragaph of the first one) is a multi-millionaire scaring the crap out of people. If he was that concerned about the souls of others, I wonder why he didn’t give the books away for free? I need to take a bath after this post.

      Anyway, so sorry for our reputation, because our Christ is so unlike us! He is the reason that my life didn’t get left on the cutting room floor for me, and I will be eternally grateful. In the meantime, since I didn’t get raptured, I think I’ll go to Disney World. Cheers my Texas beauty!

    • afrankangle

      October 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

      Hey Nonnie. Surely the Camping-designed rapture would have left you behind. But a different side of Christianity would say if there would be a rapture, the Jews would go too. 🙂

  8. Connie

    October 28, 2011 at 11:22 am

    I am a biology teacher and I frequently perceive the world through the eyes of a biologist. Questions like, “What is the biological advantage of a giggling girl?” or “Isn’t it interesting that the behavior of a group of male guppies following one female guppie looks so much like the behavior of students in a high school.” So I look at the mess the world is in and wonder how much of it is biology. Not only is original sin passed down but, throughout the centuries there have been multiple wars. Who are the people that die in wars? The nice ones! The ones who are weaker because maybe they have a conscience and don’t want to kill, or who are more gentle without the taste of blood in their mouths. Who is left? The brutal, greedy, ruthless folk who then have children. Thank God for free choice, but I wonder how much gets passed down through our DNA? Just a question.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm

      Hi Connie. You know, I’ve never thought of it like that. But it does give me something to chew on. One of these days when we can sit down over coffee, I’d love to explore the concept of just how strong DNA is in shaping choices. When you and I were hippies, I thought that environment could trump nature every time. In my old age, I’ve learned that nature trumps nurture six times over. I miss you my friend.

  9. afrankangle

    October 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Good Morning E-Tom. Just letting you know I didn’t take a walk on the interstate last night. 🙂

    @eurobrat – I ask this out of respect and curiosity … What is a hippee Christian?

    @ all – Last year’s PBS 3-part series God in America was very interesting. If interested, it can be seen online.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm

      Thanks Frank. Was that the one done by the daughter of Nancy Pelosi? Because I saw that one and it was excellent. So glad you weren’t walking on the interstate last night; we need the peeps with a sense of humor to be left behind so that we can all get our laugh on while dealing with the chaos and the mayhem. Have a great day!

      • afrankangle

        October 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

        I’m fairly sure this series was NOT done by Nancy Pelosi’s daughter. My wife also became interested in it as she had recently finished the Lincoln book Team of Rivals. Although 3 one-hour segments is still relatively shallow, it’s good insight to help understand the way things are now. After all, to understand where one is at, one must know where one has been. Fortunately, anyone can view it online. Have a good one.

  10. Elyse

    October 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Amen. Perhaps we can find another rock under the sun and “rapture” the pseudo-Christians there. Jesus, please be sure to include my BFF, Michele Bachmann in the first group!

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

      Now that’s a solution! Kiind of like a far-flung Australian (prisoner) planet where we get to send all the meanies, the crazies, and the self-righteous. That works for me! All the best.

      • An Observant Mind

        October 28, 2011 at 11:07 pm

        May I add my two cents that this far-flung place isn’t ACTUALLY Australia, we don’t want your crazies, we have enough of our own to contend with! 🙂

      • etomczyk

        October 28, 2011 at 11:57 pm

        LOL! My apologies to all my Aussie friends 🙂

  11. Michael Zeigler

    October 28, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Well done Eleanor. As someone else pointed out, I am not a church go-er myself. I look at it as…how can you go somewhere and believe in something that you don’t trust? There are too many far flung nut jobs out there preaching anything but what should be taught. I would rather devote my time for reflection of the God that I feel to be true than absorbing some unqualified, half-baked notion from the front of the room.

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 6:23 pm

      Well said, Michael, and it seems to be the place I find myself in, as well. I wish it weren’t so, because here is great value in fellowship and corporate worship. However, my husband and I found that we felt worse coming out of church than we did going into it each Sunday. That’s like going to a hospital for a broken arm and coming out with terminal cancer. The day we walked out and never returned was a Sunday when the pastor was talking about all manner of things governing the religious walk (all well and good) and then, out of nowhere, without context, and certainly without justification, he attacked the gay community with one sentence. Then he went back to talking about his shopping list of religious order as if that sentence had been a Tourettes curse. My husband and I had a choice — either sit there and ignore it — or leave. (In the previous church, women were being attacked and made to feel subservient to the men [it has since become a cult] — we had to flee that church before damage was done to me.) Most of all, we were bored out of our freakin’ minds! The God I know is magnificent, loving, kind, and glorious; he is certainly not boring! God bless.

  12. An Observant Mind

    October 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    This was brilliance! Pure, unadulterated brilliance.

    I look forward to your posts every week, but this one for me has taken the cake. Oooohhh…. so many of these ‘evangelicals’ are such stringent supporters of Beck, Palin, and the rest and do they not see the hatred, ignorance and judgment that spews from these people’s mouths? How on earth does that co-oincide with their bible verses on Sunday?

    I am stumped. I am even more stumped because I grew up, spending my formative years in one of these bible-thumping evangelical churches, and for all the crazy that was there, there was also the sound teaching and biblical principals, and love, and grace. Yes it was all there, it was hiding in the junior Sunday school room, or in the heart of an quiet elderly woman who would look deep into your eyes and ask how you ‘really’ are, or in the smile of a struggling single mum.

    Not even for a moment though, did I feel I witnessed it from the pulpit, at the church picnic or at the annual general meeting.

    Not when the teenager got pregnant and the pastor refused to marry her and her boyfriend, not when the transexual came and they told him/her she would not be able to use the bathroom facilities if she/he wanted to attend the church, and certainly not when the pastors own son sexually abused a young boy in the youth group and it was all covered up until the police got involved and he was sent to jail.

    Yep, like you, I got the hell out of dodge, I believe in a saviour and I’m just hoping like hell its not the same one these people believe in – because I don’t want to be drinking their cool aid! As for the comment; “Oh, my God, what if Fox News is the official news channel for Hell?” Oh I died laughing Elanor, I just died! 🙂

    • etomczyk

      October 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm

      Thanks Karyn. I really appreciate your wonderfully supportive comments. The latter part of your comment just breaks my heart because I’ve witnessed this scenerio too many times to count and heard similar stories from the wounded who fled churches that should have been sanctuaries. There is a huge mega-church in our area (which we attended at one time) where so many people have had to flee because of the sexual abuse of their children (across the country in their splinter churches) that the x-members have a “survivors” group online. The last time I checked there were over a million hits. I’ve had enough!

      Thanks for sharing your story.

  13. georgefloreswrite

    October 29, 2011 at 12:32 am

    Here’s a spooky tidbit I discovered one night that involves numbers – Write the numbers 1-9 and then write the alphabet in the corresponding space under it. Guess what all of the sixes spell?

    • etomczyk

      October 29, 2011 at 2:49 am

      FOX! Very clever! Once the trial of Rupert Murdoch is over, and all of the underhanded shenanigans are revealed (hopefully) that were part of “business as usual” in how his news media operated, this may seem more accurate than anyone could have imagined! The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Thanks for the chuckle, George.

  14. DesiValentine

    October 29, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    So good, ET! I left the church years and years ago, though I find as I get older I feel closer to God. The last church I attended regularly was an Evangelical community enjoyed by my very abusive former stepfather. When my family left them (and him), I wondered often how these people could claim to live in the love of God and be so angry, and need so many donations. More goats to eat garbage and spread it around, I guess 😉

    • etomczyk

      October 30, 2011 at 2:17 am

      Hi Desi. I’ve lived this story and heard it so many times, as well. It never ceases to make me sad. When a place of refuge becomes a place of hurt, I think it breaks God’s heart. Keep searching. . . I’m convinced that your journey will peel off the dross of that past experience and give you a clearer picture of who God is. All humans are on a journey in search of Truth (whether we realize it or not), but we all see through a glass darkly. No one sees it all or knows it all.

  15. cheno617

    October 30, 2011 at 2:10 am

    This was really fun to read! Thanks for writing.

    • etomczyk

      October 30, 2011 at 11:54 am

      Hi Cheno. Thanks for stopping by. I’m so glad you enjoyed the story and hope you’ll stay around to read some more of the stories. They are all on different subjects with the common theme being, humanity. Cheers!

  16. wingoov

    October 30, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Ohmygoodlord!!! I am dying here (in a good way), etomyczyk! I mean, I am, literally, laughing out loud! You are a crack up, my friend. I’ve posted your blog on my FB page, to introduce you to the fine members of my Humoristian faith (the one true fallacious faith). I felt it my duty to let them know that you are out there – speaking on behalf of all our liberal/progressive/humoristian kiesters to Jesus. As Mark Twain so wisely said: “Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

    May The Laugh be with you!

    • etomczyk

      October 30, 2011 at 8:51 pm

      Wingoov. THANK YOU SO MUCH! My gratitude to you for posting my blog on your FB page is so huge, I had to go all CAPS on you. But the best thing of all is that you laughed but still got my point. That is high praise, indeed, coming from you. May the laugh be with us both, my friend. Take care.

    • etomczyk

      November 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

      Ooops. Ignore my last “menopausal” response! I had responded to your gracious posting of my blog on your FB page. God help me. I’m traveling without hormones and it is really beginning to show 🙂

  17. Sylvester James LeBlanc

    October 30, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Such a good post. As a gay man, myself, I can say that I have embraced everyone, cause I am different myself. I try not to judge (cause I am still human), but nonetheless, I aspire to be christ like, for Christ hung out with the ones who were outcast from society.

    Thanks for such an awesome post.

    • etomczyk

      October 30, 2011 at 8:59 pm

      Hi Sylvester. Great to hear from you again. Thank so much for your encouragement. That post was a difficult one to write because I “loves me some Jesus” but I am increasingly pissed at the people who are calling themselves by his name but not acting like him. As I was reading about all the scenerios I mentioned in the blog, I kept fussing to myself and my husband about how there weren’t many people speaking up to say, “this ain’t it, world.” And as the complaints came out of my mouth, the thought popped into my head that I have a voice, why don’t I speak up! Thus that blog post was born. Keep on aspiring and I will too. Cheers!

  18. gr8stuf

    October 30, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Being able to speak truth with humor is a fine art, and you’ve GOT IT!
    Thanks to my buddy, wingoov, I’ve found you.
    Can’t wait for your next edition.

    Smiles all around!

    • etomczyk

      October 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm

      Welcome Patricia. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving such a sweet comment. Please drop by again and read some of the other stories. They are about any and everything, but I hope always delivered with humor, grace, love, and mercy. Take care.

  19. Megan - Best of Fates

    November 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Okay, this is fabulous – I especially love that he responded!

    • etomczyk

      November 3, 2011 at 3:45 pm

      Hi Megan. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. Somehow you got caught up in my spam filter and I had to rescue you. Once I read your blog, I knew it was okay to “set you free.” 🙂 Your blog is delightful, by the way, and I love your book reviews. Do stop by again and try out some of my other stories. I try to find humor in just about everything. Sometimes I fail, but I do try. I’ll be stopping by your blog site on a regular basis, that’s for sure. because you’re a breath of fresh air. Take care.

  20. Mal

    November 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Phew, Eleanor, good to get it off your chest!! I’m sure you feel a lot better now……..that the world ain’t ending…as yet. 😉
    Hope you’re doing well. Stay as funny and witty as you are! 😀

    • etomczyk

      November 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      Hi Mal! Hope all is well with you little sister (anyone who is trailing me in their 50’s gets that honorary title 🙂 . Yes, grateful to be a part of another glorious day on God’s wonderful planet and extremely excited about the delightful people I will meet today that will affect my life for the positive. You’ve already at the head of the line, Mal. Cheers!

  21. Shegz Afolayan

    November 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    It’s like you took the words right out of all of our minds. Shame on all these fake Christians giving the real ones a bad reputation. The worst people are those who intentionally mislead other people and end up ruining their lives. People deserve the truth and only the truth and that is why I love your blog… because it’s filled up with just that. Keep it up C-’48! 🙂
    P.S There’s a special place reserved in hell for the Westboro Baptist Church. I would give anything just to see their faces when they realize what they were wrong.

    • etomczyk

      November 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

      Hi Shegz: Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving such a nice comment. I think you just might be right about Westboro Baptist Church. I can’t even begin to understand how they justify their hatred. I think to counterbalance these nuts, the real Christians, need to stand up and be counted and that’s where te courage is really needed. All the best!

  22. positiveparentcoach

    November 29, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Hi Etomczyk, LOVE this post. You are a seriously great writer! Charming, witty, and gutsy for saying (or writing) out loud what many of us have been too wussy to say. “Whatever would the pastor think? How many others would judge me for speaking my mind?” blah blah blah, Keep writin what cher thinkin woman!

    • etomczyk

      November 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

      Wendy, you made my day! Thanks for taking the time to leave me such gracious comments. You are my target audience and when I hear that that audience “gets it,” it just thrills me.

      I post every Thursday night. Come on back, ya hear!

      • positiveparentcoach

        November 30, 2011 at 12:48 pm

        Dear Etom,

        I could tell you so many stories about “churchianity” and the disgusting behavior that often goes on behind the scenes, however; I’m afraid it would cause me to have post traumatic stress disorder.

        I walk by this:
        ” But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;…” Galatians 5:22

        And this : I Corinthians 13:13

        “But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love’.”

        I’m sure you recognize them. If only so many more “Christians” did.

      • etomczyk

        November 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

        Yep, I know the Bible verses well and for every story you could tell me, I could match you 5 more. Sigh! 😦

  23. sophiaschildrenJamie

    January 22, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    I’m coming across this post over a year after it was originally posted, but it’s timeless — love it, love it, love it. I’ve shared it with others I know will appreciate it. I just finished reading a fab little book by John Caputo called What Would Jesus Deconstruct, and your blog entry had that same wonderful, witty wisdom. I’ve long thought that if Jesus did show up in most churches today … or at one of these gatherings of the folks you mention in your post … he (or she!) would get tossed out in a New York minute. Thanks again for the wonderful post!


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