Do you know what I’ve discovered? Big Mama is exhausted and she’s beginning to develop a teeny, weeny bit of an ungrateful ‘tude about life in general and her blessings in particular. So she’s decided to get away for a short break with her man, WW, and her “Coupmance” friends (see previous story titled “Coupmance Tango” for full definition) and soar above the Earth with other balloonists to let all her worries and agitations shake themselves out of her head and heart as she sings Florence and the Machine’s hit (Shake It Out) at the top of her lungs.
SHAKE IT OUT (chorus)
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Big Mama promises she’ll be in a better mood when she returns. (Also, if she survives, you just know that the concept of her chubby menopausal ass in a hot air balloon is blog fodder for years to come!)
Hot Air Balloon Festival||art.com
In the meantime, while she’s gone don’t do anything she wouldn’t do, especially regarding relationships. And in case you can’t figure out what that is and this particular balloon ride is the day she ends up singing with Jesus, she’s left you a few tips with the house sitters and the guards at the gates:
DON’T . . .
get involved with any “coupmance” (couple to couple friends) until you’ve read:
“Couple Seeks Other Couple” by Ann Bauer at her blog www.theforevermarriage.com because, forget what I said last week—the problem just might be you!
Newly Married||Google Image
DON’T . . .
make your friends (“coupmance” or otherwise) a meal from one of the 8 most bizarre cookbooks, no matter what fancy chef from the Food Network tells you that the insects are an alternative food source to animal protein—not a good way to win friends and influence relationships.
Yes, THOSE ARE REAL WORMS you’re looking at!
Photo: odditycentral.com||”The Insect Cookbook”
“(The Insect Cookbook) includes recipes for dishes such as chocolate muffins with worms and grasshopper pie, and argues that insects are a valuable source or protein at a time when livestock production is nearing its limit.” By Daniel Lefferts for Bookish from 8 Most Bizarre Cookbooks/Huffingtonpost.com
DON’T . . .
get involved with a dentist and then break up with him or her two days before you need to see them for a horrendous toothache, and never, ever expect them to remain professional or give a shit about what the outcome will be.
Toothless Old Man/Google Image
Relationship News from Poland last week via the Daily Mail
A scorned dentist (Anna Mackowiak) may just end up in jail for allegedly pulling every single tooth out of the mouth of her nasty-ass boyfriend who had broken up with her two days before his dental visit.
Scorned Dentist: “I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions. But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard.’”
(Under the banner of “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” the dentist allegedly knocked the ex-boyfriend out with anesthesia, locked the door, extracted 32 teeth, and wrapped his entire mouth in gauze so that “toothless dumb-ass” wouldn’t notice he was going to be eating strained baby food for the rest of his life until he got home.)
The Idiot Boyfriend: “. . . when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t fuckin’ believe it. The bitch had emptied my mouth.”
(Big Mama thinks girlfriend should have gone for a balloon ride and screamed “Shake it Out” to the heavens and forgotten about the likes of the now “toothless wonder” boyfriend (obviously, he doesn’t have the sense he was born with)! Now she’s gonna’ end up in jail for a crime of passion while he runs free—toothless—but free.)
DON’T . . .
hook up with Simon Cowell while Big Mama’s gone. You need to know that even if Big Mama was still “hot” like back in the day, she wouldn’t let that nasty-ass Simon tap her jelly—ever!
Alicia Douvall and Simon Cowell (AP photo)
“A former lover of Simon Cowell (Alicia Douvall) told The Sun that Cowell was an insatiable lover who ‘kept her up all night,’ but the downside was that he allegedly ‘analyzed my performance just like a judge on TV, and say how there could be an improvement next time.’”—THE WEEK
Hmmm . . . seems like we could all do better than this, ladies, even if the dude does have more money than God. This type of “usury” can’t be worth it. Better to be single and cuddle up with a good book and a puppy than to put up with this poser of a “good man.”
DO . . .
stay away from these relationship pitfalls and you should be pretty safe for the week. Until then . . . here “moi” (Big Mama) goes up, up and away in my beautiful balloon! Big Mama says: Keep on believin’, Babies!
The Author||eltomczyk
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