Do you know what I’ve discovered? Over the course of my 63 years of trying to leave my mark on this planet, I have done some really idiotic things. When I made those dumb choices, I knew better at the time, but I just didn’t stop and think. By God’s grace I haven’t broken anything on my body, killed anybody inadvertently, or started a gang war, but I‘ve come close to doing all three.
At the moment I’m trying to leave this planet better than the way I came in so I’m really trying to get my act together. I’m pretty well set on not starting a gang war (limited access to fiery rhetoric and nefarious characters), or killing anybody (my kids are no longer the “you’re getting on Momma’s every last nerve” teenagers who coincided with my menopausal passage of “who in the hell turned down the air conditioner,” so I’m good on that front and we are all safe), but I’m still a little rocky on the potential of breaking something in or on my body and never, ever being able to recover from it. I feel as if I am the Academy Award winner of things that make my husband and friends stop, scratch their heads, and exclaim: “Now that deserves a ‘WTF?’ award!”
You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you insist on buying sushi from the Mexican teenager at the second-rate grocery store (“because I love it so much!”) on a hot summer’s night, and you get parasites that take you eight months to get rid of.
Google Image/The Master Cleanse.com
You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you insist on wearing death-tower heels because you can’t bring yourself to tell the truth about your height (actual height = 5ft; exaggerated height with stiletto heels = 5ft, 5in), and your chubby ass bites the dust every other month by taking a spill down any given set of stairs.
wire image
You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you refuse to read directions about anything (be it “how to run the new washer and dryer to how to work your new iPhone) because your arrogant attitude in life is: “How hard can this shit be!”
Clickipedia Image
Because misery loves company, I decided to do a sample study of all the other people in the world who could be nominees for the “WTF” award and out of thousands of recent candidates (it seems I’m not alone), I chose four, that in comparison, made me feel so much better about myself. (Now you understand the fascination with reality shows—the dumber they seem, the better we feel about ourselves.)
“WTF” NOMINEES FROM FAR AND WIDE
#1. You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you try to open a bank account (in Brazil!) using a fake ID with the picture of one of the world’s best known actors, Jack Nicholson (Oscar-winning star from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” ”As Good as It Gets,” and “Terms of Endearment”),
AP Image
…but you look nothing like Jack Nicholson!
AP Image
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#2. You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you tell your Fox News audience that The Lorax, written 40 years ago by Dr. Seuss, is a liberal “anti-industry” message. Lou Dobbs said recently that he had “a story you won’t hear anywhere in the liberal national media . . . it involves Hollywood trying to indoctrinate our children. The President’s liberal friends in Hollywood (are) targeting a younger demographic using animated movies to sell their agenda to children.”
Lou Dobbs, you are in the lead for the “WTF” award, especially if our children grow up to pillage and sack the Earth in the name of industry and consumerism. Of course, you won’t have to deal with the results because you’ll be dead. But not to worry, our children can simply go and inhabit the Moon colonies that your pal Newt Gingrich plans on building once he becomes president.
The Lorax by Dr. Seuss/Wikipedia Image
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#3. You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you’re Disney World, the land where “when you wish upon a star; makes no difference who you are,” and you put together a fat-shaming interactive campaign for children at EPCOT (Habit Heroes) that pits “righteous” characters such as Will Power and Callie Stenics against enemies such as Snacker, Lead Bottom, and The Glutton. In a place where all children are supposed to feel safe while their dreams come true, Disney and its partner in crime, Blue Cross/Blue Shield ambush and shame any child sporting a little “jelly,” while giving the skinny-meanies in their midst another bullying tool. That’s after they all run the gauntlet of Disney’s advertising of “Satisfy your sweet tooth at Storybook Treats” or “Wake up with treats like freshly made funnel cakes and delicious waffle sandwiches,” as the writer Mary Elizabeth Williams so accurately illustrates in her article, “Disney’s Fat-shaming Fail.” (Have you ever tried to get a healthy snack at Disney in between the caramel apples, pizza, ice cream, deep-fried hot dogs, French fries, fudge, giant cookies, forced-air baking bread smells, etc?) Sheesh! Disney, heal thy self!
Handout image via AFP – Getty Images
“You want to promote good health (Disney)? Start by looking at your own sugar and animal fat-laden menus. And go on by respecting children of all shapes and sizes. Because they’re the ones who trust in the mouse to see them not as Lead Bottoms and Gluttons but as princesses and pirates. As beautiful.” Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon.com
(Three weeks after HabitHeroes.com was launched, it was taken down for maintenance and the exhibit was closed. No word from the Mouse as to its return.)
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#4. You know you deserve the “WTF?” award when. . .
…you are Rihanna and spend $23,000 to fly your hair stylist from NY to London for a “hair emergency” because you go for a swim and a sauna and can’t get your weave untangled.
Rihanna/Google image
Matted hair/waiting on the stylist to arrive
Rihanna, you actually win this week’s “WTF” award because people in the know tell us that the weekend hair extravaganza was not an anomaly. It has been widely reported that you spend $22,706 a week getting your hair done. (Man, I need your hair stylist’s job, and FYI—that hair stylist saw you coming.)
Rihanna/Google Image
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste.” ~M.W. Harrison
I am discovering that I am not alone in the “idiotic choices” department. We all do stupid shit—it’s called being human—and to survive and grow from these foibles require the ability to look at the person in the mirror, humble ourselves, admit we’re acting the fool, and change our ways. I am also discovering that to whom much is given, much is required, and corporations like Disney have to look before they leap when dealing with our children’s precious psyches, and people like Rihanna need to go on sabbatical to Somalia for three months out of every year just to get their heads (or weaves) on straight. In any case, we all need realigning every once and awhile.
It helps when someone loves you in spite of your foibles
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Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for the hysterical concept of “You might be a Redneck if. . .” that informed this blog.
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